i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
