I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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