Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
