If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
