# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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