I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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