I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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