apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
