ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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