About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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