During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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