I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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