if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
