What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
it's great music for shaving your balls
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
