Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
