haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
