just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
