i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
