The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
