Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Come on in and take your pants off
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