I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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