happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
