Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
