I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
