Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
