He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
