Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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