We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
it's not cheating when I paid for it
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
