I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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