Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The air was thick with penises
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize