woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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