I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
