i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
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