Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
