I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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