I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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