i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I am midnight drunk by noon
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
