i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
tonight lets celebrate not being married
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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