I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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