I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
