gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
