my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
