MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
