She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You need a sexual gate keeper
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
