Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
