I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
