sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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