Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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