My liver just broke up with me...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
