we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
