2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize