Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
