if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
