I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
