Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
