so explain again why im purple
no
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
