if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
