I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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