Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize